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This is an actual account, as relayed to JOBBONES by CRAZYSPiNNER, at the UZA Clan Chili Cook-off in Bilouxi, Mississippi ..
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Fate, who was visiting from San Diego. Ca.
Fate: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at the UZA Clan chili cook-off. The original person, SCORPIOUS, called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking VIPER and TWILIGHTGIRL for directions to the Coors Light truck, where Grover would be, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Killjoy and Major D) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, MATTBAKER told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – CYNIC AND SNAFU'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These UZAns are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – STUDDOG AND KOMAN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. NEVERDIES should put some of RENEGADE’s Scotch Bonnets in there.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- Keep this out of the reach of Lil AMP and ELMO. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people, Col Hogan and Recon, who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. SLINGINGLEAD had to rush in more beer when he saw BULLETSPONGE and HAVINFUN cooking marshmallows over my bald spot.
CHILI # 3 - HOLEINYERHEAD'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Mr. POW pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 – BULLDOG’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? CANADIANGIRL, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 – VIOLATOR’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and DUPONT needed paramedics. The contestant did not seemed offended when I told him that his chili had given me brain damage. CANADIANGIRL saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 – KILLZALL’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 (Major D) -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames; I could probably outrun RIPLEY! I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that CANADIANGIRL. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Where the heck is AK47 when you need him.
CHILI # 7 – GOMER AND HITECHREDNECK’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- VIOLATOR could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, BODYBAG will know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Maybe SHOOTER can end my pain.
CHILI # 8 – SAN ANTONIO TOENAIL CURLING CHILI (Dellis, Ranger and Texas Girl)
Judge # 1, (Killjoy) -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2, (Major D) -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 (Fate) -- No report, but EAGLE did blog the obituary.
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Though my great grandfather came from Wales. I am English through and through 
